we're.nothing.short.of.invincible.... [entries|friends|calendar] ..::Rachel::.. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[24 Apr 2005|09:37pm] [ mood | This confusion is killing me.. ] sometimes Im astounded at how much we're risking. Ive never been happier though. I wish it wasnt this hard, I wish there was a clear line between contentment and reality. Im so much more than content. But realistically, this is the most hopeless, irrational situation Ive even been in. I dont know how it got this far or even how this started, but I do know that if it ended I wouldnt know what to do with myself. Sometimes I try to forget that Im setting myself up for the most awful heartbreak imaginable. Please dont interpret this to mean anything other than its suposed to. Makes you feel right

[24 Apr 2005|06:11am] [ mood | amused ] Last night was insane. Me and Paul went to Robbies and Jamie and Anthony and their friends came over, and we all talked jamie into letting us pile in his car and drive to the beach to set off these huge fireworks that they stole from somewhere, and we end up getting pulled over because theres way too many of us in the car and Jamie was driving like an ass, and we were all so scared they would search the trunk and find out stockpile of explosives, but they didnt, and Jamie was really lucky and only got a fine. So most of us drove to the seawall and Paul and Robbie rode their bikes, and it took them forever, so me and jamies friends just sat at the wall for an hour and waited and ended up leaving before they got there, then we all ended up at my house again and robbie wants to kill me for some unknown reason. I gotta go to work now, and this sucks. Me and Paul were at robbies til 1 last night watching movies. Makes you feel right

[23 Apr 2005|06:32pm] [ mood | cheerful ] This vacation has been unbelievable. I cant imagine what summer is going to be like. Wensday I went to the mall with Paul Kyle and Scott and realized I lost atleast 100$ since the last time we went to the mall, and that wasnt cool, but we had alot of fun. Paul bought a blowup doll and we sat on a bench for an hour or two just people watching and being obnoxious. We played tag in Filenes and we went to FYI and tried to get in that giant claw machine. I also bought 2 Smashing Pumpkins CDs for 8$ which was very nice. Then my family took me out to dinner cuz it was my b-day. I hate birthdays so much. Thursday I went to Liz's house so that I was out of the house and Paul and Robbie could execute "the plan". The plan was a suprise party, which was so cool of them, but I spent quite alot of the party being pissed at them. I felt bad that Robbie thought I was ungrateful, because seriously they rock. The only reason I was upset was that they invited the most random people, and I really just felt like hanging out with a small group of friends. The party began a little sucky but by the end it was quite a night to remember. It got dark and we went outside and there were couches in my backyard and someone made a disco ball out of tangled up x-mas lights lol, and we had robbies stereo and pauls fog machine, and we ended up having this massive pillow fight and then someone put on Atreyu and we were like HARDCORE PILLOW FIGHT!!! and then Robbie and Paul put down the pillows and just started swinging at eachother and everyone joined in and it was really funny, and Robbie gave me a bloody nose and then I realized Im an idiot for doing anything like that with all those earings in my ears so now I just wear jellystring in them lol and it looks like my ear is all stiched up, and then I decided to wait until after the Underoath show to get my eyebrow pierced because I dont think Im going to any shows soon after. but anyway, my dad bitched at us for the music being loud and the cops came and we were like ok lets move the party to the beach, so we mexi-packed into Liz's car and went to the seawall, and it was fucking freezing, and Robbie and Paul stripped down to their boxers and jumped in the water, it was so great. That was a fun night. Last night me Paul and Rob hung out at my house and watched the exorcist, and made my mom drive us to 7-11 and we bought mad food and then sat in my den and stuffed our faces and talked and got all emo, and we were talking about movies that will never fail to make us cry, and we all agreed on the Brave Little Toaster and the Fox and the Hound. and Paul told us the best emo story of the night. 1 Wrong|Makes you feel right

[19 Apr 2005|10:16pm] [ mood | Fucked up ] today sucked. I had to work and work was extra boring. except paul robbie scott and kyle all came to see me, that was kind fun. I got home and all of our plans ended up not happening,we ran around kicking peoples garbage, and so we say hey rob come over at 8. Its almost 10 and hes fucking bitching at me for calling and asking where the hell he is. then he gets here and does nothing but bitch at me. well fuck you dude stop pmsing. so I ended up alone in my room depressing the hell out of myself listening to dashboards old songs and writing in my fat book. I have this notebook and I call it my fat book. because for some reason whenever u write or draw in it it reminds me of how much i hate myself. 2 Wrong|Makes you feel right

[18 Apr 2005|09:53pm] [ mood | relieved this is all over with ] Today was crazy. Absolutely insane. The original plan was for me paul and rob to take the train to norwalk where wed transfer to a train that would take us to danbury and then walk 3 miles to the mall. Now heres what actually happened. We take the train to south norwalk. All is good. Were waiting for our train, the train comes, we get on. We then realize that we're on the wrong train, we got on too early. So the train stops at east norwalk, we have to run 3 or 4 cars back just to get off, and then were sitting there like....were fucked. were so fucked. thank god for us that Jamie agreed to come pick us up. we would have needed to walk from east norwalk to south norwalk, and get on the 4:15 train. It was not even 2 at the time. so he came and got us, we drove around, went to his house, he decided he would drive us back to the train station at 4 and come to the mall with us. ok, fuck that, lets just drive to danbury instead. except for that bumper to bumper traffic part. so jamie drove us to trumbul mall instead. this whole time, my mom thought we were in danbury, def. not in jamies car, because that is one of my moms top 5 places I am not allowed to be. robbies mom thinks my mom drove us to danbury. so either way, if our parents talked, were fucked. we drove up and down booth until we saw my parents car leave so we could go chill at my house. all is good and were playing in the yard with explosives and then we find out my mom will be home in 10 min. we should def. still be in danbury, and if she caught us we would be fucked. so we head to some random park and hang out for a while, and jamie drives us to wendys on his way back to norwalk. it was crazy. we all spent an entire day just lying to our moms about where we were, because obviously they would be really pissed. and vacation just started. so yea. but robbie is pissed at me, and im pissed at him too. we wont stay mad long. were like family.(thats right i said family, like the kind that u need to be nice to because they come rescue u when ur in trouble, lost in east norwalk for example. all i have to say.) Makes you feel right

[16 Apr 2005|07:17pm] [ mood | excited ] yesterday was so awsome. I was happy yesterday. the whole day. school was decent, when we got out of school troy picked us up and we drove all over the place. i met his sister and shes so cool. we went to joann fabric to get letter beads and me and troy sister payed in coins for like 8 dollars worth of shit, and we drove around rocking out to numa numa (fucking awsome romanian techno song lmao)and then later that night jamie and anthony and peanut and anthonys chick halie came over and we watched death to smoochie and then robbie got here and we watched amityville horror. good times. really good times. robbie wants to have a beach party tonight and i guess ill go, even tho i have to get up and go to work at 6 tomorrow morning. fuck. im gonna be loaded after next week. and my mom told me today that i dont need to go to college if i dont want to, and she said she had the same exact doubts as i did, which rocks for me. my mom has been kinda cool lately. except for when she told me that if i was doing anything with jamie shed kick my ass. lol wtf. Makes you feel right

[13 Apr 2005|10:28pm] [ mood | Im not happy Im content ] -Im in love with Mae and A Static Lullaby's new CD -I lost weight -I discovered what Im doing with my life -(for the most part) -I am positive I will have my CA money -(incase we actually find a way to go) -Im going to see Jamie on my b-day -Robbie is going to make my b-day happy =Today was a good day Makes you feel right

[12 Apr 2005|07:43pm] "Dont you get it, there is no California..." Makes you feel right

[07 Apr 2005|10:42pm] [ mood | Fucked up ] I hate it when people talk sense into me. I try to pretend everything is fine and I can justify what is happening, but then I come to the realization that its not ok. Nothing is ok. Maybe Im being paranoid, or maybe Im just being selfish. As long as I keep telling myself its not all about me, I can be ok. How long am I going to keep making excuses for him. Makes you feel right

[03 Apr 2005|10:03am] [ mood | frustrated ] I always have these feelings that Ive been missing out on life. I dont know quite how to explain this but I'll do the best I can. Its just that it seems everyone else is so sure of themselves, they know who they are. Nothing thats happened in my 17 years of being alive has ever helped me define who I am. I really wish I could. I think sometimes I just like being depressed because I never try to fix things. I dont understand it. Its almost as if I just dont want to be here, I just want to sleep and hide and not go out with friends and do things. I dont mean that in the suicidal sense, the complete opposite actually. I always think of how everywhere but here is better, and I also feel Im not good enough for even myself. No matter what Im never content with who I am. I mean that mostly in the emotional way. For example, my self esteem is non existant, I dont like to talk to people about my feelings, and I dont like it when people focus their attention on me. Maybe this is just an emotional problem that I need to work out on my own over time, and maybe its just actual depression. Im not a doctor, I really dont know. but back to my original point, I feel as if I wasted 17 years just putting myself deeper into this hole of confusion and uncertainty. I dont like being with people, I dont like making friends, I dont like the people in stratford. I have a best friend. I know Robbie is there for me and I can talk to him about anything. But sometimes he really doesnt want to deal with me when I really need someone the most. I would get bothered by me too if I was him and had to help me cope with all this shit. I dont think people really understand me, and they dont understand the seriousness of the extent to which I feel about certain things. Theres one other thing. Robbie has me obsessed with California. He says he'll take me there eventually. Its so odd. Its like Im placing all of my faith in this place Ive never been, and somehow I feel that if I was there everything would be better. I know its not that simple, but I like to believe the solution to everything is an actual physical place thats within my reach. It makes me sad somehow to know that people actually live there. I dont know why. 1 Wrong|Makes you feel right

[03 Apr 2005|09:00am] [ mood | happy ] It seem like we never have just enough time. Makes you feel right

[01 Apr 2005|06:42pm] [ mood | bored ] Long and pointless entry: Yesterday started off as innocent fun and some really wierd shit ended up happening. Me paul and robbie went rollerblading to the beach, and we ended up at phelps mansion (which isnt there anymore, its just grass) and the old shakespeare theather. We just hung out and decided to go to the library and do some research about the witches and the mansion and shit, so we did, and we just messed around for a while, nothing exciting. Robbie told us he had never been to booth park or wooster woods before so we were like shit dude we need to get you out more. Because of our lack of driving abilities, we ended up walking to wooster and it was close to dark when we got there. Were walking around taking pictures of stuff that just looked creepy and made a good picture, like paths and trees and shit. Robbie points his camera at a tree and hes like cool doesnt that look like a person got hung from that tree right there? and takes a pic. It takes us a sec before we look at the tree and say...is that a person...hanging from a tree...? and we keep looking, and were like...its a fucking body. A fucking body. What do you do when you see a human body hanging from a tree? I dont think it set in for a few seconds. We just stared, like what do we do? then we just ran. As fast as we could we just ran out of the woods. I almost passed out, and I think Rob and Paul were just in shock, because they were just standing there looking at eachother so blankly. Ive never been so scared in my life. I mean...imagine walking through the woods and just seeing a dead person swinging there. We were about to call the cops, but we needed to be absolutely sure that it was a body, because we would be fucked if it wasnt. I just couldnt go back in, I mean I just couldnt. Paul and Rob went back to get a close look and make sure. I was just sitting outside the woods by myself waiting, and it got dark, and it was this really unreal feeling. They come back, and theyre talking and somewhat relieved, but this is what freaked me out. They said it was gone.Just gone. And Paul knows those woods pretty damn well. Ive never been truley scared like that in my life. So we called my mom for a ride, and we werent going to tell her at first, especially because Nicki was in the car. But we did, and she was real sketched out by it. The next thing that happened that night was scary in a totally different way. Me Paul Robbie and Chucky went to phelps mansion area. Just to see it in the dark, because its cheap fun, whatever, we're losers. We actually wanted to go into shakespeare, because obviously theres no mansion on the ground anymore to see, and the ground is a swamp, so we couldnt even go look for old shit or anything. But we were walking toward the entrance to the old theater and we see a car just sitting in the driveway, just waiting. We decided it was obviously a guard or something, wed be stupid to believe no one would be guarding that place late at night. We just kept walking, because we didnt want to look suspicious, we were just going to turn down the next street. Heres the creepy part. We were walking on that long street, with lots of side streets. As we were walking, almost at the exact same time, a bunch of vans pulled up, one to each street, they drove down the side streets toward the street we were walking on and just stopped. And they stayed for a long time. They just sat there with their lights on. I guess you had to be there, because I really cant explain it. But it was something youd see in the movies, like some fucking town conspiracy. It was just a wierd night. Courtney drove by and saw us, so she drove us to my house and we all watched a movie. Today, we went back to the woods. That tree had some sort of plastic and cloth stuck to it. We also found this wierd camp site thing. It had this huge ass wall built of trees and logs, it was kinda sketchy obviously because we know what goes on in the woods. But we thought it would be cool if we finished that wall thing, like make more walls and close it in. So we spent an hour working on another wall on a right angle to that first one. We were talking about how who ever built that must have been some big drug dealers or a group of kids who go up there and drink, because there were a few hundred cans in a huge pile. We decided who ever it was probably woulnt want us there fuckind with their stuff. Almost an hour later kyle kind of looks nervous and clears his throat, and we turn and see these 2 guys watching us. It was kind of sketchy. I asked if it was theirs, and one of them is like yea... and it seems wierd that these 2 guys probably in their 20s would build something like that, I dont know why but it was just wierd. But we talked to them and they were cool with us, they didnt seem like they minded us being there. But they explained the wall to us, they said it kept the cops from seeing the fires they built when they hung out and cooked shit and whatever. Makes sense. They said were welcome to chill there as long as we dont fuck with anything. Not like they can tell us what to do, but they were kinda scary, I wouldnt want one of those guys chasing me with any sort of weapon lol. They were just chillin there smoking weed so we were like ok...were gonna go. I found out theyre friends with my cousin frank tho. Everyone knows frank longo. lol. Jamie and Anthony were suposed to come up, but they didnt. I was kinda sad. chris said the fallout boy and academy is... show is sold out. Thats really pretty sucky. But Im going to see Underoath a week later, so its all good. Im sure the underoath show will be better. Makes you feel right

[29 Mar 2005|01:11pm] [ mood | so very discontent... ] I don't look in the mirror I don't like what I see staring back at me Everything is clearer I'll never see what you see It's not me So beautiful and free I'll never be what you need Can't help at all I was born so beautiful But now I'm ugly And I rot in my skin As a piece of me dies everyday I know I'm nothing I know there's nothing I can say To change The judgment in their ways I'll never be what you need Can't help at all My love was so beautiful But now I'm ugly Yeah... I'm good enough, but I don't care I'm good enough, but I'm not there I'm good enough, but I don't care The sun is out, but I'm not there (I can go anywhere) I'm good enough, but I don't care (...somewhere) (I can go anywhere) The sun is out, but I'm not there (...somewhere) (I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere) (I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere) I don't look in the mirror I don't like what I see staring back at me Everything is clearer I'll never see what you see And I rot in my skin As a piece of me dies everyday I know I'm nothing Because I'm ugly -Smashing Pumpkins- Makes you feel right

[25 Mar 2005|07:07pm] [ mood | accomplished ] The past two days have been awsome. Thursday was kind of entertaining too. we had a delay, and my and Anna decided to go to Exxon to get food before school so we did, and by the time we got back homeroom was almost over and we didnt wanna go to the front door cuz the office people would see us but some random teacher let us in and didnt say anything so we got lucky, and after school we went to the cafe with Robbie Jackie Jamie and Anthony and that was so much fun, we were sitting near these crazy guys who were talking about jesus and life and having a purpose and we were like teehee and we made fun of them, I know everyone has the right to have a respected opinion, but it was funny anyway. And my ear....ugh. I fiiiinally got my ear to a 0 after like 10 failed attempts, I wasnt going any bigger than that, so I was like...done..and I woke up thursday morning and when I looked at my ear I almost cried. The ear lobe was fucking huge and swollen and purpleish and it completely lost feeling...I freaked out so bad but I let it go for a while, I was like ok ok it'll get better. Jim tells me its kinda normal, the swelling will go down, whatever, and by lunch time my ear was like double in size, and everyone was freaking me out and making me nervous, theyre like omg holy shit take that thing out omg and so I did..and it just started gushing blood all over the bathroom sink, but the swelling went down immediately, and I got feeling back in my earlobe so I was so relieved, but its infected like hell now. I cant put anything in it. That makes me sad, my 0 is gone. There must be a really bad hole placement in that ear tho, it must be against a vein or something. I dunno. But last night Liz came over and we hung out with Scott and Kyle of course and we were just playing Manhunt and then we went to their house and went on their trampoline, and that was so much fun because the whole thing was a sheet of ice, none of us could stand up on it because we would keep falling on out asses, but it was quite amusing, so we just jumped and fell and sang taking back sunday songs really loud. Today everyone came over again and we rollerbladed and skateboarded and built ramps and just had fun. And my ankles are so bruised and swollen right now and they hurt really bad. I'll live Im sure.Life has been pretty good lately. PS- In the case that Jamie (the best person in the whole world) happens to read this and be completely offended that I didnt mention him very much in this long ass entry, let me just fix that. I forgot to mention that me and jamie had hot sex and I did him with a pink glow in the dark strap on and then we had a threesome in the bathroom at a gas station with this obese transvestite who happened to get in the way, and then I had jamies babies and theyre names are Johan and Oscar, and theyre black too. And I didnt mention that Jamie is the all mighty, all knowing being and hes pretty hot too. 1 Wrong|Makes you feel right

[23 Mar 2005|08:04pm] [ mood | frustrated ] Im. Such. A. Fatass. Im so fucking fat Im not even kidding. Like I just realized that Im seriously really fat. Me and robbie used to joke, but I dont think its joking anymore, weve really started with the fat jokes. Ugh, its pissing me off so much. And at work today, fucking Tracy was all like omg, I weigh 105, mer mer mer. I weighed 105 once. like a year ago, I got fat really fast. Its really not healthy. Im just gonna keep getting fat too. It makes me wanna cry. Good new is: My mouse had babies today. She had 7 of them. Makes you feel right

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